Strong Enough
by okaie
Summary: I swallowed numbly, staring at the powdered remnants of a phone scattered across the leafed floor. No. Rosalie was lying. She had to be lying. She couldn’t be dead... I never did intend to outlive her for long. Edward. New Moon.
1. No

_**Strong Enough**_

**Summary:** _I swallowed numbly, staring at the powdered remnants of a phone scattered across the leafed floor. No. Rosalie was lying. She had to be lying. She couldn't be dead. __I never did intend to outlive her for long. _Edward. New Moon.

**Rating: T**

**Disclaimer: I wish I could write like Stephenie Meyer, but I hope you enjoy this anyway.**

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**Chapter 1: No.**

**A big thank you to **_**Warui-Usagi **_**and **_**Quill and Saber**_** for being my betas. You guys were awesome!  
Please review! :)**

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_Love is a symbol of eternity  
It wipes out all sense of time,  
destroying all memory of a beginning  
and all fear of an end._

_Anonymous_

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No.

No, no, no.

No! She couldn't be dead. She could not be dead.

My eyes started to haze, losing focus; they hadn't lost focus in almost ninety years.

She could not be dead. "No!" I screamed, jumping from the crouched position I had taken on the remote forest floor. "No!" My fist flew forward, moving at an unmatchable speed—a bullet to the tree—moving deeper and with more force than a gun could ever dislodge. It broke with a sickening crack. "No! No! _No_!"

I fell forward against the snapped tree, my chest heaving for air I didn't need, my head burrowing deeper into arms that would never embrace again. "No," I panted, softer, unbelieving. "She's not dead." My eyes fell shut. "No," I told myself again, "she's not dead…. She can't be dead." Another wave of anguish rolled through my chest, suffocating me. I couldn't live like this anymore. Not without her. But she couldn't be dead. She _could_ _not_ be dead.

My fist tightened as I pushed up roughly against the soft bark of the fallen tree, leaving a deep imprint in the size of my fist. "_NO_!" My voice tore through the empty forest, leaving it ringing in my own ears. She could not be dead. Not her. No.

No.

I swallowed numbly, staring at the powdered remnants of a phone scattered across the leafed floor. No. Rosalie was lying. She had to be lying. She couldn't be dead. I would call. Yes, call. Talk to Charlie, and then ask for her. I could just be an anonymous call. But… if she picked up? If… _if_… she picked up, would I have the strength to stay away?

But dead? No. _No._ I must know. I must know that she's safe. She must be safe. There is no alternative. She must be alive.

The trees around me blurred, the forest floor disappearing quickly as I ran. I just needed to get to a phone. Just one call, I told myself, a lump in my throat. Just to make sure she was okay. But with an ache I also knew I was lying, because I didn't just want to know if she was okay; I wanted to hear her voice. I longed to hear the rise and fall of her voice once again. But she couldn't pick up… because then I wouldn't be able to stay away. I'm not strong enough.

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My finger slid down the smooth plastic of the pay phone in the dark corner of the sprawling city line. What if she was…? No, she could not be dead. I lifted my head, cradling the receiver gently in my left hand, bringing it lightly to my ear so I could hear the buzz of the dial tone. I breathed, inserting a coin with a shaky hand, before dragging a finger down to the metal number pad. Not too hard, I reminded myself, slowly pressing the first digit of the number etched into my mind forever. My arm shook harder, and I pressed faster.

I didn't breathe while the familiar brring echoed into my ear. I couldn't breathe.

"Swan residence," a faintly familiar voice said roughly on the other end. I had heard the voice before, with her: it was the youngest Black, Jacob.

"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen," speaking as quickly as possible in a plausible imitation of a voice I had known for almost one hundred years. "May I speak with Charlie?" I pressed quickly, my voice controlled, yet still demanding.

"He's not here," he said, his tone stressed in a manner that immediately agreed with my theory that he held us in a unsavory light.

"Where is he?" My voice grew tighter, edgier as each second passed slowly. I flexed the fingers of my free hand out before me.

"He's at the funeral."

My fingers curled into a tight fist, the black plastic of the phone shattering into flying shards. I couldn't breathe, no air would allow itself into my lungs. No. No, no. _No!_

I ran, slowly, painfully away. I just needed to escape. I could not be here anymore, could not breath anymore. How could I when she wasn't? How could I see the light of day, while she was locked within the dark depths of the earth?

No.

I would never again see the flash of intuition in her eyes…

No, no.

Never see her cheeks flush crimson…

No, no, no…

Never catch her in an ungraceful, fluid fall…

No, please God, no.

Never again, smell her intoxicating freesia catching in my throat…

No. No, no, no, no…

Never wonder laboriously over what she thinks, as she puts her thoughts into actions I can never anticipate.

No… no.

"NO!" I roared from my dead heart, as it ripped blindly, roughly in half, in quarters, in eighths... in pieces. "No," I sobbed, falling to the ground. I hadn't tripped in almost ninety years. "No…" I cried in release, in collapse. "B-Be…" But I couldn't bring her name to my lips. It would only hurt further. It already hurt too much. Bella, my precious, incredible Bella, was dead. I roared again. _Dead._ How could she be dead? I was right, I have no soul, and I had no right to covet her. This was punishment before death. Nothing was more painful than knowing she was… It hurt more than the burning venom. More than telling her goodbye as she fell to her knees, begging me in a way that I know I could have only refused to keep her safe. Too much. Too, _too_ much, because there was nothing left to live for. I wasn't not strong enough to live without her.

My breaths came in heavy gasps I didn't need, and I stiffened, leaning forward on my palms, my head bowed forward. There was nothing left to live for. But everything to die for.

I never did intend to outlive her for long.

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I sat stiffly upright against one of the hard-backed chairs lining the airport corridors as people waited for their flights.

_I can't wait to get home... _

_I missed her so much..._

There were too many thoughts. I clutched my head, shifting slightly in my seat. I was never going home. Never going home to her. There wasn't even a chance anymore, to see her happy.

_Business as usual..._

Yes, this was business. Personal business.

I couldn't stand the pain. Another second passed— another second too many. I was ready now. I had been ready since Jacob Black told me words I had eventually expected, but words I was never ready for.

_Time to call in the passengers for boarding..._

I rose stiffly, making my way quickly to the gate faster then I should have. But it made no difference to me anymore. Soon, I would be gone.

"Flight to Florence, Italy," called the loudspeakers. "Will all first class passengers please board now," the voice stated pleasantly.

Brusquely, I handed the female attendant my ticket, nodding to her grimly as she gazed at me longingly.

_He's so handsome... Stop it, Joan! He's too young._

No. Too old, and ready to die.

"Have a nice flight, sir," she told me with her best smile. I didn't really take much notice as I rushed through the gate, wandering blankly, but determined.

I sat down tenderly, not really sitting on the plush first class seats, rather, gingerly balancing myself on the balls of my feet, as if sitting. Mundane, and easy, but it was something, anything, to help me take my mind off of her. To make time move faster.

"Excuse me," a man said crossly, looking dour.

_Damn kids these days... what's he doing here?_

"Excuse me, sir?" I murmured politely, but flatly, devoid of any emotion. There wasn't much left to give anyone else, anyway. "Am I in your seat?" I wasn't. I was sure.

"No," he said, frowning, "I'm in the one next to you."

"Of course." I rose quickly, shuffling back with hard steps.

"Thanks," he said curtly, plopping down onto the seat with a sigh, his eyes flickering shut.

I looked away, jealously consuming me, and my fingers squeezed into a fist, rubbing the leg of my pants roughly. I wanted lose myself to sleep. To not think anymore. It hurt so much to think.

My breath caught in my throat, my chest heaving silently. At least I couldn't cry. No one would know... if I could stop trembling.

I screwed my eyes shut, tightly, holding my breath, counting numbers. I couldn't think anymore; couldn't hear anyone think anymore. If I thought I would... no. I couldn't think. Count doubles, triples... No, squares. One. Four. Nine. Sixteen. Twenty-five... One thousand, two hundred, twenty-five. One thousand, two hundred, ninety-six.

"Sir?"

My throat tightened as the numbers lost me and thought caught up once again. "Yes?" I choked out, my eyes anguished, angry, wild, deranged.

"Would you like a pillow, sir? Or blanket?" She drew back slightly, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I regretted scaring her.

"No, thank you," I said, a bit more kindly, though my voice wavered.

"Then would you like anything before take-off?"

To be there, in Italy. Or to have her back. Yes, all I wanted was to have her back. But she was gone, and wasn't coming back. No, I just wanted to be there, so I could be gone too.

"No," I started, with an aching pause, "nothing I can get here."

"Have a pleasant flight, sir."

I nodded before collapsing backward into myself, trying to numb out the world by remembering this would be the very last time I would have to deal with it.

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**Initially, this was going to be a one-shot, however, as I continued writing, I came to the conclusion that where I had initially ended it, wasn't really an ending. So, I'm continuing this, hopefully to the dismay of no one. (I should update soon after this. The second chapter is already written, just in the finishing stages of editing, and the third and final chapter is already being written.) Sorry for the long author's note, but I hope you enjoyed the story. Review please!**


	2. Breaking

**Chapter 2: Breaking**

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_Death is not the greatest of evils;  
it is worse to want to die, and not be able to._

_ Sophocles_

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The anticipation was killing me. I wanted to be in Volterra. I wanted to die. Now.

It wasn't as if there was anything left to live for. The only thing more precious then life was gone…

But what if they said no?

I could just break the rules the second I stepped into the city. Death would come swifter then. There were so many possibilities; there were so many inhuman qualities I possessed.

My head tilted toward the window, the sky dimly lit by the fading sunlight:  
"_It's twilight…" _ I recalled telling her,_ "It's the safest time of day for us. The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way… the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?"_

It was simple really. Darkness, I realized now, was less predictable then I thought. Darkness could hide us—me—from what I really was. Under the cloak of the night, I was easily disguised as a human. But it was in light that the unpredictability of the night appeared: under the daylight, the sun showed that we…_ I_…was different.

Darkness was unpredictable because under it, humans would never predict what we really were. The power of the light, though it showed why darkness was unpredictable, was what showed us for what we were. There was no guessing under the sparkle of the sun. It could easily be predicted—clearly seen that I was different, and that I'd be unable to hide.

It was too perfect. I could step out into the sun, expose myself, and die. I smiled grimly. It would be quick. They would have to drag me away quickly; I'd be exposing myself to dozens of humans once I stepped out of the shadows.

But, of course, there were other options. I could simply lift a car over my head. It would be easy, on my part, to pretend to stroll aimlessly down the street and pick up a car as it passed by. Easy, and a simple showing of my enhanced abilities.

Then, what if I ran a car through the city walls, and climbed out unscathed? And to prove that I was mystical, I'd let a medical examiner take my pulse. I laughed silently and bitterly to myself. Imagine the shock when it turned out I didn't have one.

I _was_ dead, after all. And in so many ways…

No, I decided, shaking my head. I didn't want to break the city, or risk the lives of too many humans…

But what if it was just _one_ human?

Hunting a human, of course, would bring down an iron fist on me hard and fast. Perhaps, hopefully, even before a minute elapsed, if they were moving quickly.

No. I shook my head. I had abstained for a little over seventy years now; let me end with that streak. And, if… if I hunted a human, saw the fear in their eyes, their panicked spasms, and knew exactly what they were losing, what I, the monster, would be taking away from them…

What if they had their own "Bella"? Of course, they would never love theirs as much as I loved mine. How could a _human_ love as much as me: this unnatural, inhumane _creature_ that I was? I've seen how humanity works, and it's never changed. I've seen how fragile the bonds of emotion are. And I also know how fiercely vampires can love: once we choose a mate, we have chosen for eternity. Still, it would be unfair to take the humans away from their families and loved ones. I could never live with the guilt of taking any more human lives. And Carlisle…I could never stand to disappoint him; not even in my final moments.

Would their eyes of loss look like… _hers_ when I tore her away from me? Dead… confused… broken… distant… anguished.

My nostrils flared, my eyes losing focus as I stared dumbly ahead. The memory of that fateful day in the woods was coming back all too clear: her furious confusion and persistence that I stay; the way her eyes glazed over as I broke her heart; how she broke mine by suggesting the very last thing I wanted… and she gave in so easily.

"_You… don't… want me?"_

I shook harder, my body trembling when the weight of truly losing _her_ crashed into me like a ton of bricks. The pain… there was no other comparable pain. Not even when I thought I lost her the first time, because then there was still a lingering hope—the smallest chance that I could still save her.

Now, there was nothing.

It was as if my lungs were collapsing from the weight of myself: my sins, my pain, and my love for her, the forbidden. But, of course, my lungs couldn't collapse. So why was it that I felt I could not breathe?

Because the reason for my undead being had died. My Bella had died…so had I.

No. Hunting a human was out of the question, I thought as I desperately tried to shake Bella's broken brown eyes out of my agonized mind. Bella…

That was a part of me that should never be associated with Bella. She was human like them. A special one. But now, the sheer thought of hurting someone like Bella… No…

But death… if I hunted, a human death would come so much faster. _So much faster_. I was going to Hell. I knew I would be. Not only did I take Bella when I should not have, I had murdered, lied, and sinned like a creature of the night should. I would be going to Hell for sure.

I looked out the window once again, as we descended into the breaking dawn.

I would ask the Volturi first, but if they said no…

Well, I was going to Hell anyway. I might as well do it thoroughly. After all, I deserved all the pain of my sins.

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My eyes were kept decisively on him. "Please," I whispered, my voice numb of any emotion. "Kill me."

Time seemed to tick by so slowly as I first registered his shock. _No, this is not what he could want. Death? Death when there's such talent?! He could not want such a thing. It was just a phase. He would…_

"Please…" I begged again, my voice breaking. "This is what I want. This is what I want so much."

_He doesn't know._ "You don't know what you want," he told me gently, still amazed. "You're still very young… wait a few more decades, another century, and come back to me. You don't want death."

"I _need_ it!" I exclaimed, voice cracking, body tensing. "_You _don't understand. There is no reason for me to _wait_. There is no reason for me to _live_." I swallowed, uttering the words that pained me most. "She's… gone."

His eyebrow arched smoothly. _There is always a reason to live. You're pining over a simple human._

"She's not simple! It's _not that simple_!" I roared, my chest pounding as I struggled to calm down. "Everything, the only thing I could ever want again is gone," I said, my voice carefully controlled. "_Please_." I was back to begging. "There is no reason to live."

_You love __**a human**__enough to die for her? _"This isn't Shakespeare, Edward," he told me, looking rather annoyed. "There is simply no need for such dramatics. She's just a girl. A child, really."

I held my hand out to him. He must understand. If he did not understand, I would lose this fight.

As Aro clasped his hand over mine lightly, his face turned from quiet disbelief to controlled shock. _La tua cantante. Why go back for more, Edward? She's so delicious… just take your fill and leave her. The only regrets you should have is not getting a taste yourself. But yet, you keep coming back to her, torturing yourself…getting closer at your own expense. It's astounding, Edward, how you put your own father to shame. How you've grown… _

"Yes, I see, she must be very special to you. Your mate, I must say, as unbelievable as it is to have a human as a mate." His fingers swept off mine, and my hand balled into a fist at my side.

"Will you?" I asked again. "Please…"

But to my displeasure, he waved his hand. "You're being too dramatic, Edward…"

"She killed herself because of _me_!" I growled.

"You were trying to protect her, no?" Aro said smoothly, his face now an interested mask.

"But I did not succeed!"

"It was bound to happen sometime," he conceded, "love her or not, she is…was, I should say, _human_."

"She was not suppose to die like this! She was supposed to be happy, and live a normal life."

Aro twirled his fingers around, his face more agitated then before. "You have shown me yourself, she is not normal."

My fingers curled tighter.

"If you can manage not to kill your own singer, Edward, you can live through this. You've got so much self-restraint. So much power at your fingertips. You should be utilizing that, not throwing it away."

"Bella was _special_."

He sighed, exasperated. "Is your family not special, Edward? How could I take yourself away from your family?"

"They'll understand," I told him curtly.

"Carlisle?" he asked. "And Esme… it would tear her apart, don't you think?"

"She has the others," I replied, growing more furious as my attempts to persuade him were all being deflected. "Bella's gone," I murmured again softly, breaking further, "and I love her more than Esme loves me."

Aro sighed, gesturing to his left. "Marcus is still living is he not?" _He loved one too… before her destruction and he has still survived_.

My face hardened. "What if I love Bella more?" I asked, unable to stop myself.

Marcus' eyes grew flat, darkening at my suggestion as he gave his hand to his brother. _You know nothing, Edward. I have seen our relationship with my own eyes. I have not seen one greater. I have lived, you foolish boy, for hundreds of years without her. You will survive._

Fury built up in my chest, as Caius' hand was taken as well. _Too much potential… and though his decisions may be dangerous, it is not worth it to waste such talent._

"YOU MUST KILL ME!" I shouted, my face twisted in anguish. "Why will you not kill me?!"

"Edward," Aro said gently, "you've got so much talent. Kill you? Why, that'd be wasteful."

My posture stiffened, my face composed into a tight mask. "You _will_ kill me," I promised, turning away.

_You are only playing along with the tragedy, Edward. It is a shame that you are determined to die. Death won't let you escape from pain._

My mouth set in a grim line. They would kill me… they would _have_ to kill me. I would make sure of that. I had never intended to outlive her for long.

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**Thank you, _Warui-Usagi_ for beta-ing!  
Sorry it took so long! I hope you enjoyed this. :) Please review!**


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